I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
