my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize