If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
