i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
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