I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
