I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Randomize
