Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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