She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Randomize
