I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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