I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
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