I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
