Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
