I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
