Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
