just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize