you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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