I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Randomize
