i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
FUCK WHALES
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