We're facebook friends in real life
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
