Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
