I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
