New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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