I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
