my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
