Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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