if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Randomize
