So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I will pee on everything he values.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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