so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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