At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
