if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
