She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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