remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
