I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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