I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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