i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Need sex. Gaining weight.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
