Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I want to fling myself into the sun
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Someone signed my nipple.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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