Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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