How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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