The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
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