Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
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