I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Randomize
