Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
