I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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