i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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