I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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