Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
