i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize