there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize