ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Randomize
