great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Randomize
