and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
