So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
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