yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
