I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
