JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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